How to Forgive Your Abuser Without Minimizing the Trauma: A Faith + Mental Health Healing Journey
- Written With Love by Lolli
- 20 hours ago
- 6 min read
Content note: This post includes discussion of sexual abuse, childhood trauma, and forgiveness.
When God Asked the Question I Wasn’t Ready For
The other morning, during worship time with God, I could feel Him working on me, again—about forgiveness and anger.
And I’ll be honest: I thought I already had forgiveness “handled.”
I told Him what many of us say when we truly want peace:
“I forgive everyone. I have no ill will toward anyone. I want everyone to be healthy and happy.”
And then I heard God speak a question so direct it stopped me cold:
“So you would be okay if the one who violated you met you at the gates of heaven when you got here?”
😳🤯
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Because I realized something I didn’t want to admit: Even though I have come a long way, I still have a deeper layer to go. Isn't this what Paul echoes in many of his writings in the Bible?
Even though this violator wasn’t my only abuser—and that wasn’t my only type of abuse—it is one of the pieces I was still hanging on to, still struggling to truly release. It felt like one of the “last knots” in my heart that I hadn’t been able to loosen.
But, there was another wound tangled up in it, too—one that has echoed through the years:
The memory of my mother telling me she hated me and wished she never had me. And she told me that a lot.
Those words can live in the body like a deep bruise that never fully heals—especially when they land on a child’s heart, over many years. Somehow, these two very distinct types of abuse seemed to be hanging on to me and in me. Why these two specific strongholds, out of all the physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and abandonment abuse.... I guess only God knows, but He also decided it was time for me to heal even more. Thank you, Lord.
So when God asked that question in worship, it wasn’t condemnation. It was a revelation.
Not to shame me—to free me.
If you’re searching for how to forgive your abuser without minimizing the trauma, I want you to hear this first:
Forgiveness is not denial.
Forgiveness is not pretending it didn’t hurt.
Forgiveness is not saying it was okay.
Forgiveness is not restoring access.
Forgiveness—real forgiveness—can be one of the hardest forms of healing work there is. Because trauma doesn’t only live in memory; it lives in the nervous system, the body, the reflexes, the thoughts that show up without permission, the anger that rises faster than words. Trauma impacts the choices we make in our everyday lives.
That’s why Lolli Love holds this truth tightly:
Faith and mental health do not have to be separate. God can heal instantly—and God can heal through process. Sometimes the “process” includes support that helps your mind and body become steady enough to receive the healing God is offering.
How to Forgive Your Abuser Without Minimizing the Trauma as a Christian
The next day, I asked God something I didn’t know how to pray before:
“Lord, reconcile my mind, heart, and soul with the truth that You love the person who violated me as much as You love me. That I am no better as a human...." This is how our human minds work sometimes, unfortunately.
That was not an easy prayer. It wasn’t a polished prayer. It was a real one.
Because what I was facing wasn’t only anger—it was the unbearable tension between justice and mercy, between truth and love, between the God who sees what happened…and the God who still loves.
And then came the part that brought an abundance of healing.
I sensed God speak something that humbled me and comforted me at the same time:
Very clearly, as soon as I finished the prayer that I probably should have never prayed, "that I am no better as a human...." He said, "You're no worse off either!
No matter how far you fall, I will always love you, too."
Something clicked inside me. This is the victory in Jesus. This is it!!!
That is where the healing that I had not let in started to come. And it hasn’t stopped yet.
Even deep anger healing came.
Here’s what surprised me: This didn’t only loosen the pain I was holding about the sexual violence. Somehow, in God’s presence, it also began loosening that old, poisonous sentence from my mother—the one that tried to define my worth.
Because when God’s love becomes more real than the lies that raised you…The lies start losing their grip.
Let me say this clearly for every survivor reading:
God’s love does not mean God approves of what happened. God’s mercy does not cancel accountability. God’s redemption does not call evil “good.”
And your forgiveness does not require:
reconciliation
restored access
lack of boundaries
silence
forgetting
pretending you’re “fine”
Forgiveness can be a release of burden without restoring closeness. Forgiveness and boundaries can coexist. Forgiveness and justice can coexist.
Why Forgiveness Can Feel Impossible After Trauma
If you’ve lived through prolonged trauma, your brain and body learned survival strategies for a reason.
Trauma can show up as:
anger that rises fast (protection)
anxiety, panic, racing thoughts
numbness, shutdown, dissociation
hypervigilance (always scanning for danger)
shame (even when you did nothing wrong)
So sometimes the first step is not “forgive harder.”
Sometimes the first step is: stabilize the nervous system so you can breathe, think, and feel safe enough to heal.
That’s why I’ll keep saying it with compassion and clarity:
Prayer is powerful—and getting help can be holy too. Therapy. Medication if needed. Coaching. Community. Boundaries. Nervous-system tools. These things are not bad. God knows we are not cookie-cutter humans, and our healing journey should be as unique as we are.
Here is a gentle framework to start working on how to forgive your abuser without minimizing the trauma:
1) Name the truth
What happened was wrong. You don’t heal what you’re not allowed to name.
2) Name the cost
Trauma has a cost. Naming it is not bitterness—it’s honesty.
3) Separate forgiveness from access
You can forgive and still say, “You do not get access to me.”
4) Release in layers, not pressure
Forgiveness after trauma often comes in layers. If anger rises again, that doesn’t mean you failed. It means a layer is surfacing for healing.
5) Ask God to heal what forgiveness exposes
This was the turning point for me. God’s question revealed what I was still gripping, and His love met me there—without shame.
6) Receive support that matches the weight of your story
Some things are too heavy to carry alone. Getting support can help you do the hard work of healing without collapsing under it.
Hand on heart. Inhale 4… exhale 6… (x3)
Whisper:
“God of truth… hold my story.”
“God of mercy… heal what I’m holding.”
“God of love… set me free.”
The Part I Never Thought I’d Be Ready to Say
There’s one more truth I want to share carefully, because I know how tender this is:
I am ready—willing and able—to minister to the one who violated me one day if the Lord ever permits it.
Not because what happened was small. Not because it didn’t matter. Not because I’m “over it.”
But because God’s love is real enough to change what I thought could never change in me.
And I also understand: readiness doesn’t mean recklessness. Ministry doesn’t mean access. And permission from God will always include wisdom, safety, boundaries, and discernment. But because He first loved me, I can now love others... all of His children are loved just as He loves me and you. God is good!
Lolli Love Encouragement for the Tired Heart
If you’re a nurse, a mom, a caregiver, or a trauma survivor—if you’re trying to heal while still holding everyone else together—I want you to hear this:
Healing work is not easy. It hasn’t been easy for me. It still isn’t easy sometimes. And it won’t always be easy for you either.
But the hard work—working on ourselves—is worth it.
And with gentle tools, sincere support, and God’s grace… we can keep going.
God’s unconditional love is the greatest love of all. It is our true daily bread.
Want Support on Your Healing Journey?
If you want a gentle, personalized plan for your next step—whether your struggle is anger, anxiety, forgiveness, trauma triggers, or nervous system overwhelm—you can start with a Single Session:
💗 With love and grace,
Jennifer Nicole Green, NP-C Founder of Lolli Love — Faith-rooted, trauma-informed well-being for tired hearts
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